Possible personality concerns in toddlers
As your toddler's personality develops, she can sometimes get confused and unhappy at the conflict between her urge to be independent and her desire to please you.
Aggressive personality
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Aggression is a basic act of hostility and the ways in which we use it usually mean that it is unprovoked by anyone else. Most children have feelings of aggressiveness to some extent and usually express them in verbal or physical attacks on another child, very often choosing a child who is smaller than they are.
Aggressiveness, bullying and destructiveness are modes of behaviour that usually represent cries for help. They frequently result from parental neglect, absence, over-discipline, under-discipline or too much smacking. A child who behaves in this way is really not at fault, although he may be very hard to help. It is worth remembering that a nasty child is usually nasty because someone has been nasty to him. You shouldn't be too ready to blame the child but should look beyond the behaviour, to his home and his general environment. Weaning a child off his normal pattern of behaviour, and the distrust of adults, may take years because he has to re-learn the attitudes that he has been learning from the day he was born.
If your child starts to show signs of being very aggressive, try to nip it in the bud. Don't punish and don't smack your child for being aggressive; this will only make the behaviour worse. Instead, show him very firmly that you are not prepared to put up with it and that he will gain nothing but your disapproval if he continues with his current behaviour. Show him that if he can change he will be highly rewarded, and will gain lots of praise for all good efforts. If your child seems to be highly disturbed, or if you're at all worried by an aspect of his behaviour, you must seek expert help immediately.
Jealous personality
Rivalry is a perfectly normal emotion for a child to feel. Sometimes it can have a positive effect and can act as a spur to make the child do his best. In this instance it adds to his friendliness and his desire to socialize. However, if it leads to quarrelling and boasting, your child will have a hard time of it.
A child feels one of the strongest forms of jealousy when a new baby arrives. This is because your child feels that he's been “dethroned” and that he has lost the special place he had in your life. He may try all sorts of attention-seeking devices and may even revert to such babyish behaviour as losing bowel control, refusing to feed himself or refusing to dress alone. Or he may direct his jealousy directly at the baby and try to hurt it. Alternatively he may feel unable to cope with these jealous emotions and may internalize them so that he becomes quiet and stays away from you; he may even reject you altogether.
It is very easy to understand all of these emotions. You must try to help your child by preparing him for the arrival of a new baby and by showing that his place in your affections is quite secure. Make a special time when he has all of your attention. Involve him in looking after the baby by asking for assistance in certain easy tasks, and praise and reward all helpful behaviour on his part, and whenever he shows love and affection for the new arrival.
Possibility of over-indulgence
It is very easy for any parent to over-indulge or spoil their child. After all, you have a natural desire to please your child and to make his life happy. It's all too easy to err on the side of giving a child too much, of making life too easy for him and allowing him to become the centre of your universe. You will have to control these desires in yourself for your child's sake.
One of the ways in which you can help your child not to be egocentric is to make sure from early on that he is not always the centre of your attention. He must learn that the world does not revolve around him; that the household and the family do not see him as the pivot for their constant attention. If you let your child know quite clearly that there are times when he's expected to do without you and to do things alone, you will be doing him a favour. None of these should involve cruelty or force. You should show your child as much love as you can, but he should be made to see that everyone has certain boundaries within which they live. As he gets older, teach him that you have a need for privacy just as he does, although you're always there if needed.
Don't make the mistake of thinking that over-indulgence has anything to do with the number of possessions your child has or how much affection he gets. It is to do with allowing your child to grow up so that he impresses his will on you and on others by using power games such as wheedling or bullying. It is a parent's duty to prevent this occurring.
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Posted 03.11.2010
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