Boundaries for toddlers

Toddlers and children like to know what the boundaries of behaviour are and need these to be happy and well adjusted. Boundaries are essential to a child's development because they fulfil certain needs.

• By knowing the boundaries, children learn how to behave in ways that mean they are praised. They interpret this praise as acceptance and love. Both are essential if your child is to adjust well to growing up and being happy.

• When discipline appropriate for the age of your child is applied it serves as motivation. This encourages your child to strive to accomplish what is required and this brings comfort and satisfaction.

• Boundaries help a child develop a sense of self-control and of conscience. This inner voice will later guide him in making his own decisions and controlling his own behaviour. Without them he may be indecisive and act in an antisocial way.

• Undisciplined children are often scolded. This gives them a feeling of guilt and shame. These feelings will inevitably lead to unhappiness and poor adjustment.

When to use discipline,when to draw boundaries?

Discipline, overdone or underdone, can be equally bad for children because both of them lead to insecurity. There is no place for ruling your child by fear, force, corporal punishment or humiliation. While you can tell your child the reasons why you want some things to be a certain way, you cannot use reason until he's about two and a half or three, so disciplining has to be simple and easy to understand and it has to be in direct relationship to what he is being punished for. There must be no delay between what your child does and the discipline he is given, and the action has to fit whatever it is your child has done.

If you're often extremely angry over minor misdemeanours your child will simply be left bewildered. Keep disciplining for really serious matters like destructiveness, being physically violent or telling lies. In this way your child gets very clear messages of what is tolerated and what is not. Your child's memory is short and if you brood over what he's done he will simply not understand. He will think that you are purposely withdrawing love from him and be very perplexed, so make all discipline clear and swift, then forget it.

Avoiding problems with your toddlers

Children are very receptive to fairness and justice, and if you adhere to these two principles you will probably avoid most difficulties in disciplining.

Avoid corporal punishment at all costs. Research has shown that children don't know what they are being smacked for. They cannot remember, so they don't associate the punishment with the crime, and smacking doesn't act as a deterrent. Never punish a child as a calculated act. The child is much less damaged by a sharp word in the heat of the moment that is quickly forgotten when the air is cleared, than by a long argument with a threatened punishment as soon as you get home or, worse, when your partner gets home.

You will not go far wrong if you are very clear about your motives for disciplining. Make sure that they are for the happiness and safety of the child, and not simply as a means of impressing on your child your authority and superiority.

Behaviour guidelines

• Have as few “rules” - those instructions that can be broken under no circumstances - as possible. “Don't” is a very negative word and if you are not careful, by the time your child is two, you could be prefacing everything you say by “Don't”. “Do” is a very positive word so reinforce with positive “dos” and cut down the “don'ts”.

• Don't give vague instructions; try to be very clear. Instead of saying “Don't be naughty”, tell him exactly what you don't want him to do.

• If you give your child instructions, always give a reason why. If you tell your child that his tricycle has to be put under cover when he's finished using it at night, explain that it may otherwise get rusty in the rain and not work. Try to refrain from saying “Because I say so” when he asks you why.

• Always reward good behaviour with praise and affection, possibly even with a treat if your child has accomplished something difficult. You can help him distinguish between good and bad behaviour just by withholding praise and rewards from acts that you don't approve of.

• There is no better way of getting your child to do something than to show that you do it too. If you want your child to take off his dirty shoes at the door, show him you do the same with your shoes.

• Be consistent. Don't let your standards slide and give one instruction on one occasion and the opposite on another (although you can show that under certain circumstances you are prepared to be flexible). There is no reason why your child shouldn't have several ice creams on his birthday, because he knows that that day is special, but he should learn not to expect the same on the following day.

• Always admit your mistakes, no matter how young your child is, and always be generous when you do something wrong. It makes your child feel that the world is fair and just, therefore don't be afraid to say, “naughty Mummy”, or “Mummy shouldn't have done that” or “You are quite right, I won't do it again”.

Dr Miriam Stoppard

New Babycare
Copyright © 2009 Dorling Kindersley
Text copyright © 2009 Miriam Stoppard

Posted 03.11.2010

Get more on this subject…