Possible personality concerns in young children
By now your young child may be regularly going to nursery school and you will be able to see how he interacts with other children and adults and if there are any concerns regarding his behaviour or personality.
An aggressive antisocial child
© Jupiter
We've all experienced feelings of aggressiveness towards other people, especially when we feel that our security is being threatened. It is only by great self-control that we conquer such feelings, and that is something that takes many years of learning and maturity to achieve. It is not surprising, therefore, that many children give full rein to their aggressive instincts.
When aggressive behaviour in a child becomes a regular feature, however, it is usually a response to two things: a lack of effective restraint and discipline from the time he was born, and a feeling of insecurity in the child, who may be experiencing a lack of parental attention, love and affection. In both ways the parents are almost entirely responsible for the child's difficult behaviour.
If you have an aggressive child look closely at the way that you and your partner behave, and if you're honest with yourselves you'll almost certainly find that you are falling short in your position as teachers and role models for your child. It is fairly easy to prevent a child ever becoming aggressive but it is very difficult to retrain an aggressive child to be less so. One of the first and most important ways to teach gentleness and flexibility in your child is to be flexible, tolerant and gentle in all your dealings with him. Don't forget your child will imitate everything you do, including being aggressive.
If your child suddenly becomes aggressive or starts bullying, this is a sure sign of some tension or unhappiness in the child's life, and you should look carefully for the cause of it. In a young child it will nearly always be found in his relationship with you, your partner or the rest of the family, or to tension in the home. Don't think that you can pull the wool over a young child's eyes by sweeping things under the carpet; children will always pick up on the atmosphere, and this can cause great insecurity.
Shyness in young children
Some children are shy by nature, and studies show that up to ten per cent of infants are born with a nervous system that predisposes them to shy behaviour. Such children show their shyness by giving evidence of disliking new experiences; even when taken to a family gathering or party, they will spend most of the time clinging to their mothers' legs or hiding their faces. They also show reluctance in conversing with strange children or adults, and typically prefer to play alone rather than in a group. When such a child grows older and attends school, he may be diffident about making new friends.
If your child is shy, my advice is not to criticize him or to try to change his nature - not only is this unrealistic but it also may add to the problem. Instead, when you know that a new experience is in the offing, try to prepare him ahead of time so any strangeness is diminished. And, when he is meeting new people, allow him plenty of time in which to get used to them before you expect him to feel comfortable in their presence.
Young cheeky children
It is not always easy to draw the line between cheek and impertinence. Occasional cheekiness is, to my mind, a perfectly acceptable trait. I like it in a child because it suggests spirit, mischievousness and a healthy attitude towards authority.
There is also the mistaken belief that questioning decisions is being cheeky. This is because some parents feel that cheekiness undermines their authority. However, if you encourage your child to talk things over with you, you will encourage the sense of responsibility for disciplining himself rather than blindly obeying your decisions. In this way he will grow up aware of the value of persuasive argument. On the other hand, if you always encourage your child not to say what he thinks because you always interpret arguing as being naughty he will rarely get the chance to understand the reasoning behind your decisions.
The other good aspect of being cheeky is that it provides a verbal mechanism for getting rid of anger and frustration. Anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion in a child, but isn't acceptable if he is venting his anger in a physical way. It is much better for your child to shout about anger than to hit someone. So when your child is cheeky weigh up why you think he is being so and if the reasons are healthy ones, just keep it in check. Insolence goes beyond cheekiness because it flouts good manners. It ignores thinking about how the other person feels and it may be hurtful. If your child goes over the boundary into insolence you'll need to teach him this is not acceptable.
Selfishness in young children
All children are naturally selfish, but as your child comes out of toddlerhood the most important lesson to learn is “Do as you would be done by”. This means learning that he can't always have the treats he wants because they have to be shared with others; he may not have the biggest, rosiest red apple because there is only one and another child may want it; he has got to learn to lose because only one child will win and he won't always be the one.
The most important way of convincing your child that he should not be selfish is to try to get him to feel how other children will respond to selfishness. If he can understand that generally speaking all other children are feeling the same way as he is, then it is obvious that people have to take turns at getting what they want, whether it is being the top dog or having more turns on the swing than anyone else. It's up to you, by your actions, to show your child the benefits of unselfishness.
An over-indulged child
A child who is over-indulged is a self-centred child. Here are some of the things that you may have been doing that will make your child egotistical:
- If you are over-protective you can make your child feel that he is extra-special. Children who are waited on hand and foot by others and protected from experiences grow up to expect that others will continue to do things for them instead of making the effort to do them themselves. This stifles independence and co-operativeness.
- If you show favouritism towards a child you encourage a sense of self-importance. Children who are not favoured have feelings of inferiority or martyrdom. Either way it encourages the child to become self-centred rather than outgoing and thoughtful about others.
- Some parents set too high a goal for their children, and encourage them to become egocentric when they strive for these goals.
One of the best cures and possibly the only cure if you won't change your ways for an over-indulged child is to let him go to school early. He really needs the levelling process of a play group or a nursery school, and getting used to mixing with a group and being considered as no different from anybody else. Later in life he may respond well to boarding school. If neither of these things is possible, an over-indulged child can still be pulled down a peg or two by choosing bright, outgoing, intelligent friends for him. Contact with another sensible adult can help your child through the painful process of losing this sense of self-importance.
Stealing habits
Most young children are used to taking things that belong to others - their mother's make-up, a sibling's toy, or their father's keys - just because they want to play with them, and at home this isn't usually a problem. However, young children are incapable of understanding the “property rights” of others, and you may discover that your child has taken something while you were out shopping or visiting a friend's home. If this is the case, explain to the child that this is stealing, and that stealing is not allowed. Eventually, your child will get the idea. It isn't necessary to have the child accompany you when you return the object, unless the habit has become persistent and you feel that extra enforcement is necessary. Most children feel penitent enough on being found out.
“Habits”
Nail biting, thumb sucking and carrying a comforter are not abnormal in a young child. Don't try to stop them, and certainly never by force, ridicule or deprivation. They are nearly always caused by tension of some kind and they happen in more than half of otherwise quite normal schoolchildren. For the most part they are unconscious, nervous habits and are best cured by encouraging a pride in appearance. The majority of children stop nail biting when they become concerned about their appearance and interested in the opposite sex. At this age social considerations begin to outweigh their personal habits. I don't believe in discouraging these habits. As they get older children sense what is acceptable, impose self-control and only indulge in their habit in private. No one can persuade me there's much that needs correcting about this mature behaviour.
New Babycare
Copyright © 2009 Dorling Kindersley
Text copyright © 2009 Miriam Stoppard
Posted 03.11.2010
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