The baby clash: couples on the rocks
Is it myth or reality that more and more couples split after the arrival of a baby? Some psychologists even talk of a ‘baby clash’ to describe this phenomenon…
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Baby has just arrived…. and the couple separates! Can a child really threaten a couple to the point of a relationship rupture? Here’s a closer look at some of the dire consequences associated with the normally happy event of new parenthood…
Couples and kids… the statistics
Of course, becoming a parent is hardly a walk in the park. Ordinary evenings in, once romantic, can verge on apocalyptic when you’re required to get up 10 times; conversations are interrupted by tears and wailing; and the lovers’ bed becomes the family bed. This can get to the point when the couple’s stability is threatened.
A quick look at the statistics shows the evolving family unit… There are actually more single-parent families (between 2011 and 2010 the number of children living in single-parent families increased by 12% – some 2 million children1), but separation generally takes place more often when children are older.
But it is difficult to conclude from all this that the problem is a ‘baby clash’ as many children are born to single mothers or a couple separates during pregnancy itself.
That being said, for Dr Bernard Geberowicz, co-author of the book ‘The Baby Clash’, this phenomenon is very real: “20 to 25% of couples separate in the first few months after the birth of a baby. And this figure is constantly increasing.”
Factors involved in a baby clash
Still, what might the causes be behind a separation just after giving birth, when this happy event should, on the contrary, be something that brings a couple closer together? As Dr Geberowicz underlines, “The arrival of a baby provokes a state of crisis, modifying the couple’s balance. But this does not necessarily lead to a separation. On the contrary, it can be a positive thing…”
On the other hand, the baby can act as a catalyst, revealing or exacerbating existing problems. Furthermore, the misplaced idea of having a baby to resolve differences in a couple (put into practice by some couples) is doomed to failure… It’s much better to resolve problems beforehand!
For Dr Geberowicz, there’s another factor at the heart of the baby clash: having children later and later in life. Today, the average age in the UK for having a first baby is 30: “Parents, notably women, have more responsibilities and more to manage as they get older, on a professional level as well as socially and in their personal lives.” The arrival of a baby takes its place among other priorities.
Thus, there’s a risk of tensions becoming worse under the weight of these multiple responsibilities. “And today, as soon as difficulties arise for the couple, the idea of separation as a solution comes more quickly to mind,” Dr Geberowicz points out.
Preventing a baby clash crisis
So how do you ensure that the arrival of a baby doesn’t put your couple at loggerheads? “Don’t imagine that nothing is going to change with the arrival of the baby. A baby will modify the balance, and this is perfectly normal. The main thing is to know how to prepare for it,” explains Dr Geberowicz.
It’s clear that as soon as the baby arrives he will be the centre of the world. You need to admit this at the start so that the couple is ready to take a back seat for a while. You can’t fight against it and must accept the limited time you will get as a couple, and learn to evolve into this new dynamic. As Dr Geberowicz outlines, “Problems can appear if the two partners are not on the same wavelength, and if one thinks that the other is busy with the baby and feels neglected.” In this case, you should not hesitate to speak openly with your partner – dialogue is essential.
If, despite these precautions, a couple does decide to split, great care must be taken not to transfer blame onto the child. In many cases of separation, the little one is the first victim; at the heart of conflict, with older children feeling obligated to take sides. This means there is a risk the child will feel guilty for the split later.
“Of course, one must not say to the child ‘you are not responsible’, as this is the best way to plant the seeds of blame in the child’s head. It is preferable instead to explain the situation to the child simply and answer any questions they may have,” insists Dr Geberowicz.
1. UK Office for National Statistics
"Le baby-clash, le couple à l’épreuve de l’enfant,” Bernard Geberowicz, Colette Barroux, Albin Michel 2005
Copyright © 2010 Doctissimo
Posted 31.08.2011
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