Miriam's casebook - First-time dad
Emma is James and Sarah's first baby. She was born in hospital one day before Sarah's due date. The medical staff had undertaken routine examinations and decided that the baby was “small for dates”. They advised James and Sarah that it was better to induce the birth rather than wait for nature to take its course. James had been to antenatal classes for dads and was at Sarah's side throughout the birth.
Adapting to first-time parenthood
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During Sarah's pregnancy, James wanted to find out all he could about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood. He and Sarah read books, attended antenatal classes, and got hands-on experience with friends' children. But they discovered that nothing totally prepares you for parenthood and that you need to be adaptable and flexible.
To induce the birth, Sarah was given a prostaglandin pessary. About three hours later she was feeling waves of quite substantial pain and couldn't sit down. In another two hours she was in tremendous and constant pain, which James found upsetting. There was very little he could do to help - nothing they'd learned about breathing or massage seemed appropriate, since Sarah wasn't experiencing gaps from the pain and had to keep moving around.
Contractions begin
Sarah was admitted to a delivery suite just before 7pm. Fortunately, the constant pain began to resolve itself into definite contractions with gaps in between, so James was able to anticipate them and comfort her, as well as giving gas and air. It still makes him wince to think about how the midwife broke Sarah's waters with a big blue plastic hook. The next part of the labour was a bit of a blur for both of them, with just 40 seconds between contractions that each lasted about a minute. At 8.30pm Sarah was offered a pethidine injection. However, the remaining dilatation was quick and the baby's head began to crown before the pethidine took effect.
At around 9pm the midwife decided that Sarah needed an episiotomy to avoid possible distress to the baby. And suddenly, at 9.13pm - splosh, they had a new baby girl! She was given straight to Dad, who held her for a few seconds before giving her to Mum, where she started to suckle immediately. James can't remember whether he cut the cord - he thinks the midwife did it. The baby weighed a healthy 2.9kg (6lb 8oz). James watched the placenta being delivered and the episiotomy being stitched up again. There was quite a lot of blood, but Sarah seemed to be coping well despite that. Sarah stayed two nights in hospital as she'd chosen to breastfeed and needed help getting the feeding started. James visited regularly. The staff gave lots of advice, including help bathing and changing, and Sarah and Emma were discharged from hospital after a successful feed at around midday on day two.
Coming home
Taking Emma home was a scary moment for James and Sarah, since she seemed so tiny and fragile, but everything went smoothly. Sarah's stitches took time to heal and she had to rest as much as she could. James took two weeks' paternity leave, which was great because there was so much for them both to get used to. They had lots of visitors in the first fortnight which, looking back, they decided was rather overdoing it. I usually recommend limiting visitors if at all possible - people are very understanding.
Establishing sleeping patterns
To begin with, Emma woke about every three hours and was breastfed on demand. After about three months her sleeping patterns began to settle down so she generally woke just once in the night.
Throughout the night Emma would make lots of coughing noises and grunts in her sleep. After a few days of this, James couldn't sleep in the same room, so slept on the couch for several weeks until Emma was ready to sleep in her own room. He felt bad about it, but fortunately Sarah was understanding. Emma began sleeping through the night after eight months.
First-time dad and sharing responsibilities
Sarah concentrated on the feeding and cooking, and James generally did the laundry, the bathing, cleaning up mess, and dealing with nappies. Sieving poo out of the bath was a new experience for him. From early on they came to an agreement that James shouldn't expect any thanks from Sarah for doing things that just needed doing - they were in this together. This is a very sound decision. Good communication is essential between new parents and roles and responsibilities often need to be talked through carefully.
Sarah didn't have a job to go back to so was based at home looking after Emma. James's employer allowed him to be relatively flexible in his working hours. He was able to take time off to look after Sarah when she was ill (she had mastitis twice) and to take the baby for her immunizations.
Becoming parents
Becoming parents was an amazing experience for James and Sarah. Everyone else who'd had children understood what it was like and offered advice and help. Support often comes from surprising sources - not least from other new parents - and they both said that despite the hard work, every smile from their baby and every grin from a granny in the supermarket made it all worthwhile.
Being a hands-on first-time dad
James decided right from the start that he wanted to be as involved as possible in his baby's life. She was pretty much a full-time occupation, but he wouldn't have it any other way. When Sarah weaned Emma on to cow's milk instead of breastmilk, James got up earlier to give her breakfast before he went to work. He also got home in time to give Emma a bath and cuddle her at bedtime.
Emma loved being with her father at weekends and James became expert at organizing baby-friendly activities - walks in the country, a trip to the coast, or just sitting in the park playing games. Sarah was at home during the day with Emma, and James understood that she needed an evening off once in a while to go out and see friends.
Miriam's top tips
In the early days, many new parents describe feeling a mixture of elation and mild shock. My advice is to:
- find out all you can about being a parent but be prepared to be flexible - there's no such thing as textbook parenting
- agree to share the responsibilities and divide the tasks between you
- get out and meet other parents and build yourselves a local support group.
Posted 30.06.2010
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