Possible crying problems for young children
Although your young child is certainly no longer a baby, when he is upset about something, there's nothing like a cuddle from his mum or dad to make everything feel better.
Temper tantrums problems in young children
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A good method of handling temper tantrums when you are on your own with your child, and in the privacy of your own home, is to ignore them completely (see Temper tantrums). Alternatively, you could try to distract your child by saying something unusual, amusing or silly, or try a tactic like switching the light on and off, or opening and closing the door several times.
However, as your child gets older, and there is a greater chance of her throwing a tantrum in a public place, there are a few different ways that you can handle them. The majority of temper tantrums are caused through anger and frustration - anger that she can't have her own way or that her body is not physically strong enough or well enough co-ordinated to do what she wants it to do, and every now and then your child needs, like everybody else, to give such anger full vent. You can help her by doing some of the following:
If your child is having a temper tantrum in a public place, don't get flustered; just take her out of the room into another as calmly as you can. If you're in a shop, take her out into the street, or even to your car. If you're in a restaurant, take her to the toilet. It's easier to deal with the tantrum more calmly where there are fewer people about.
Don't ever forget to congratulate your child and praise her when the tantrum is over and she has got control again. After all, it's only a stage she's going through.
A lot of anger and aggression can be got rid of by physically active games outdoors. That is why toys such as tricycles, scooters and footballs are so good, because strenuous physical activity re-directs antisocial behaviour.
If your child is expressing anger by shouting, join in for a few sentences and then gradually quieten your voice down, encouraging her to do the same, until you are both whispering. Then have a good giggle about it together.
Give your child some paper and crayons or fingerpaints and ask her to paint or draw exactly what she is feeling.
Let your child know that there's a set of “angry” toys like a drum to beat loudly, or a musical instrument to play such as a xylophone, or a particular marching song that can be shouted.
It can help your child quite a lot to talk about anger and to let her know that you consider it to be a reasonable and valuable emotion to feel. It lets off steam but it also draws boundaries. Your anger tells her when she has overstepped the mark in all sorts of directions. Her own anger can be just as useful.
Try to discuss with your child the causes of anger. Try to get to the root of the problem. It is one of the ways you can teach your child about sharing, tolerance, love, kindness, thoughtfulness for others, etc. If ever you think that such anger is justified, say so, and tell her why you think it is reasonable to be angry about something that has happened and then discuss the different ways that you might have reacted that wouldn't have been so hurtful and destructive.
Show your child that anger is just as well expressed in words as in physical violence or destructiveness and let her know that angry words are much more acceptable to you than blows or breaking things.
Phobias problems in young children
A phobia is different from ordinary fear. If your child is afraid of snakes, she is only afraid when she meets one at fairly close quarters. The rest of the time she doesn't give snakes a second thought. However, if your child has an actual phobia about snakes, she will become hysterical when she actually sees one, when she sees a picture of one, when she thinks of one, or when something reminds her of one.
One of the things you have to understand is that, even as your child gets older, the explanation of a phobia really doesn't make any difference: she is not open to rational explanations. The only way you can help your child overcome a phobia is to convince her in some way that the object of her fear is harmless. There are a variety of ways in which you can help her understand this:
- You can help your child to realize that such fears are unfounded by letting her know that you don't have the same fear but don't do it in a way that makes your child feel inferior.
- Another way is to show that peers aren't afraid of the phobic objects. If, for example, your child is afraid of dogs, it is quite a good idea to ask one of your friends who has a dog to bring it to the nursery school at pick-up time when your toddler can see that the other children are quite unafraid of it.
- Never, ever ridicule your child's fears. No matter how unrealistic they seem to you, they are very real to her. Give rational explanations wherever you can and always behave in a sympathetic, helpful and rational way.f the phobia starts suddenly, look for something in your child's life that is causing stress. If it is associated with something such as a parent going away, the death of a pet or starting nursery school, then there is a good chance that the phobia will be transient.
- But your child may be emotionally upset about something that is difficult to fathom. You can try some real therapy by very gently introducing the object of her phobia at the same time as she is doing something very pleasant, for example, while she's eating one of her favourite foods such as ice cream.
Breath holding
As your child gets older she may try breath-holding attacks and her face might become quite blue during them. In this instance try any of the following tips:
- Blow gently on to your child's face.
- Sprinkle a few drops of cold water on to your child's face or apply a cold cloth.
- Gently pinch your child's nostrils together for a second or two.
Possible crying problems due to family conflict
Of course your children have to grow up knowing the facts of life, one of which is that adults disagree occasionally, get angry and have rows, but for heaven's sake don't let them be frequent.
Don't row in front of the children
If your partnership is going through a sticky patch, don't row in front of the children. Children, of course, want their parents to inhabit an ideal world where there is no rowing, no anger and no acrimony, and they get very insecure when the people they love most don't seem to love each other. The greatest deterrent to having a row with my husband came when my second-youngest son, at four-and-a-half years old, snuggled up next to me a few minutes after we'd had a row, looking very doleful. When asked what was wrong he said, “I don't know, but the world doesn't feel right”.
Most children have an instinct to be peace-makers; mine certainly did. As soon as they heard a raised voice or an opinion vehemently expressed they'd start diversion tactics like “Do you want a cup of coffee, mum” and then actually interject with, “Please don't get in a woos”, their term for getting in a state. It's very hard to lose your temper when a young child is pleading with you to stay calm. If you remember the damaging effect witnessing a row can have on children, it can act as a great deterrent.
New Babycare
Copyright © 2009 Dorling Kindersley
Text copyright © 2009 Miriam Stoppard
Posted 03.11.2010
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