All about crying and young children

As your child gets older the reasons for crying become much more complicated. Her thinking becomes increasingly sophisticated and she has a much wider appreciation of the world and what is going on in it; she has insight into your motivations and understands your more subtle expressions of approbation and disapproval; she is becoming acutely aware of her own position in the family, among friends and in the world in general; she has new insecurities and anxieties.

Fears are no longer confined to simple ones like the fear of separation and there are all sorts of new and unusual things happening every day that may cause fear. Because your child's appreciation of the world is growing, there is increasing potential for her to become upset by events. While she is gaining in self-confidence she is also becoming sensitive and more likely to feel shame, resentment, frustration, anger, jealousy and dislike, all of which may be upsetting and cause her to cry. Also, because she knows more of the world she is becoming aware of the threats that are around and how they may affect her. She has to face quite a lot of them alone. It is not easy for anyone, let alone a small child, and it is not surprising that she resorts to tears fairly often.

Crying due to real and imagined fears

Children suffer from classical fears between the ages of two and three. The fact that your child suffers from them is not a sign of abnormality. Two of the most common are described below.

Fear of the dark

This is very common and not at all abnormal. Help your child by leaving a night light on in the bedroom. You don't have to go to any expense; just replace the standard bulb in her bedroom lamp with a low-wattage coloured one. You can also help your child by showing that darkness is nothing to fear. So go for a walk at night and point out all sorts of interesting things that you don't normally see during the day, like the stars or the moon, or some nocturnal animals (the nocturnal house in a zoo, which you often have to walk around in darkness may also be a good idea). In the summer take your child out in the garden and lie on the grass, covered by a blanket.

Fear of thunder

Most children are fearful of thunder and lightning. The best you can do is to distract your child while it's overhead. You can tell a favourite story; turn the television set up loud, play music or get out that game you bought “especially for a rainy day”.

Dealing with fears in young children

• One of the best ways of reassuring your child is to show her that you are exactly the same as she is. All children love hearing stories about when you were little, like them. Tell your child some of the fears that you had, and explain how you managed to overcome them with your parents' help.

• If your child develops fear of a piece of household equipment, for instance the washing machine, help her to overcome it by explaining what it's for and how it works. Tell your child that machinery is nothing to be afraid of and to prove it, hold her in your arms while you fill it, and give a running commentary of exactly what you are doing. Go through the routine of putting in the washing powder and switching the machine on. Put your hand on it to feel the vibration and then slowly and gently put your child's hand on it with yours on top so that she knows that you are not frightened, and that with your support she needn't be frightened either.

• If your child is scared of getting lost or of being in an accident, talk her through it. For instance, you can say things like, “If you got lost what is the first thing you could do? Well, I think probably the best thing would be to go to the first shop that you come to, go to the counter and say, ‘I am Jane Brown. My address is … my telephone number is … Please will you ring my mummy and daddy?'”

• Never ever brush off a fear as though it isn't serious. It is serious to your child and you should treat it as such. So, for example, if your child is worried by the lamp in her bedroom, which casts an unpleasant shadow on the wall, try moving the light, or the bed, to a position where there are no shadows.

Dealing with irrational fears

One of the best ways to deal with irrational fears is to dispel them with some kind of physical activity. If your child is afraid of monsters or ghosts, say that you are a parent who can do magical things to them. Say that you are able to blow them away and give a big blow; promise that you will be able to get rid of them with the vacuum cleaner and switch it on; guarantee that you can flush them down the toilet and do so. There are some people who say indicating to your child that you believe in monsters and ghosts in this way encourages your child to believe in them too, and that a better alternative is to say that there are no such things as ghosts. The one trouble with this ploy is that your child won't believe you. She can't; she can only believe you if her fears are rational, which they aren't.

Crying from overtiredness

This is one of the most common reasons for crying, especially in the evening. The child may have been allowed to stay up later than usual, perhaps because of a visit from friends or relatives, or on a special occasion such as Christmas Day, when children tend to be thrown out of their usual routines, with more excitement than they can cope with. The result is an exhausted child whose overexcitement will spill over into tears at the slightest problem. The more you try to jolly her out of it (and this is especially true when visitors are involved), the more hysterical and inconsolable her crying will become. It is clearly better to prevent these situations developing in the first place, by trying not to let your child become overexcited and by ensuring that she has a rest in the middle of the day if you expect to let her stay up later than usual in the evening.

If you haven't been able to avoid it, and your child does become overtired and tearful, try to deal with her as calmly as possible. Take her off quietly to her room and cuddle her until she has calmed down; if she has a favourite book or song, and she has quietened down enough to be receptive, read or sing to her. Or let her have a quiet, relaxing bath, get her ready for bed, and stay with her until you are sure that she has completely relaxed and is ready for sleep.

Dealing with injuries in young children

You don't want your child to grow up being babyish about minor injuries, but you should never underestimate one, especially if you can see the damage. There is no point in saying that a small scratch doesn't hurt, because the sight of blood will scare your child and she will use pain as an excuse for your attention. Whenever your child comes to you with an injury give sympathy and support and use placebos whenever you can. The best possible placebo is a kiss and a cuddle and a gentle word. Next, try a favourite drink or snack, then suggest a small treat - perhaps your child's favourite food for the next meal, or having tea as a picnic in the garden. Always keep your “magic” ointment handy. In our house it is 0.5 per cent cetrimide cream, a simple antiseptic that can be used for all cuts and abrasions. It is very soothing and if your child believes that an ointment will work and take away the pain you are halfway there.

Dr Miriam Stoppard

New Babycare
Copyright © 2009 Dorling Kindersley
Text copyright © 2009 Miriam Stoppard

Posted 03.11.2010

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