Crying and babies
Your newborn baby has a limited repertoire of communication, and crying is almost her only way of telling you that something is wrong. Remember that for several months she's been floating gently in the dark, in a constant temperature with a constant food supply. As a result, bright lights, hard surfaces are unexpected, so it's not surprising if she cries when she's cold and hungry. But crying doesn't necessarily mean that your baby is in danger.
Recognizing different cries
© Jupiter
Cries can be identified quite accurately by mothers and fathers who become increasingly able to distinguish different kinds of cries from their baby during the early weeks following birth. This is not a one-sided distinction; babies become increasingly able to anticipate their mother's responses to their cries. Most parents worry quite a lot about why their baby is crying, and the interpretations seem endless. Is it hunger, boredom, anger, loneliness, overtiredness, stomach pains or colic? Does she want a cuddle or is she just plain miserable? But after the first four weeks mothers pay much less attention to the type of cry than to lots of other information, such as how long is it since the baby last had a feed? Did she feed well last time? Is she too cold/too hot?
Responding to crying
The way you respond to your baby's distress can affect how your baby behaves and how she grows up. Your response to the crying and the way you comfort her can influence the bond that grows between you over the years. This goes beyond the issue of “spoiling” your baby to the central question of how your child's early experiences with you will affect her later development.
Some research with mothers and newborn babies has shown that over the first few days of life a slow response to crying may well lead to more, rather than less, crying. In another study, it was found that babies whose crying was ignored early on tended to cry more frequently and more persistently later in the first year and that after the first six months this persistent crying discouraged the mothers from responding. The same research showed that mothers who had responded quickly to their babies had children who were much more likely to be advanced in “communication skills”, as measured by comparing the range of facial expressions in each baby. Further studies give a picture in which the sensitive and prompt response of the mother promoted a harmonious relationship with the child who was content, obedient, secure and competent as a result. This research supports the belief that mothers are programmed to respond immediately to their babies. Some psychologists have attributed the difficulty some mothers have with demanding children largely to the erosion of a natural mother and baby relationship, produced by anxiety about spoiling their children. Mothers who do not respond promptly are “insensitive” and “going against nature”.
Never leave your baby to cry
The factors that prevent a child from forming deep, loving relationships with their parents, are parental apathy and lack of response and they are more important as inhibitors of the child's attachment than even a parent causing distress, say by physical violence.
I have heard mothers say “If she is clean and dry, winded and well fed - let her cry”. Or “He needs to cry for an hour, it is the only exercise his lungs get, so leave him alone”. I am very strongly against these attitudes. In my opinion a baby should never be left to cry. In the first place, a crying baby may swallow air, which will cause discomfort and make feeding difficult. Prolonged crying may make your baby feel very tired, even exhausted, and she will become irritable and difficult to soothe. More important than either of these reasons is that she will quickly learn that pleas for attention go unheeded, and that there is no loving human response when she needs it.
All the research that I have read supports not letting your baby cry. It also suggests that if you let her cry she'll very soon stop asking for attention, which may seriously damage her ability to form relationships with others while growing up. A baby's pattern of behaviour, first with the mother, then with the father, and later on with family and friends, is worked out during the first year of life and probably starts as early as the first six weeks. If friendship is denied to a child in these early weeks, she may grow up introverted, withdrawn, shy of displays of affection, and repulsed by physical contact. Don't give your child such an unfair start in life.
Spoiling your baby?
In my opinion a baby cannot be loved too much. I don't share the belief that too much picking up or nursing will spoil a child. A child under one year of age cannot be “spoiled” enough, if picking up, nursing, loving and cuddling mean spoiling. To me, none of this behaviour constitutes spoiling. A child who is picked up and nursed is learning about loving, human behaviour. The model for this behaviour, which she'll retain for life, is the early relationship with her parents.
What we tend to call spoiling is both a natural response of a mother to a distressed child, and the natural need of the baby. A mother's behaviour is “built-in” just as much as the behaviour of the baby. She is genetically programmed to respond to her baby's crying, although she may suppress her instinctive response with a learned response that interferes with her natural drives, which are to pick up, soothe and nurse her crying baby. Society has suggested that she will spoil her baby if she does this, and so she is torn; she should not be. She should follow her natural instincts. The protective instinct in a mother (which is what she is displaying when she picks up and tries to soothe her crying child) is the basis of her maternal instinct, and essential to her biological function as a mother. Babies require this physical contact with a soft, warm, loving human being. The need for this is so strong that it almost overrides the need for food.
The mother's response to cries
Undoubtedly crying, and your prompt response to it, play an important part in the way your baby becomes attached to you. Every child in a family will become attached to both parents, but the quality of the attachment depends on the sensitivity of the mother. It is the promptness and appropriateness of the mother's response to the child's distress, in other words how much she is attuned to her child, which is the most important part of this sensitivity, and it is critical for the development of a stable and happy relationship between baby and mother and then between baby and other people as she grows up.
So my unequivocal answer to the question, “Is it possible to spoil a baby?”, would be “No”.
Crying spells
Spells of crying are likely to go on for three, four or even six weeks, while your baby becomes acclimatized to the outside world. When she has developed a routine that takes account of any likes and dislikes, the frequency of crying usually decreases.
Everyone finds it harder to cope with crying during the night. When your sleep is interrupted you'll feel, along with every other parent, some degree of impatience. Your feelings aren't abnormal; everyone has them. Don't panic when your baby starts to cry. It's inevitable that she will, and your tenseness will only make matters worse.
If you feel that your baby seems to be crying rather a lot, you can take comfort from some research that has shown that babies may cry quite independently of any discomfort they may be feeling or of the effectiveness of the comfort you give. For instance, babies who were born after a long labour, or whose mothers were given drugs during labour, were more likely to cry frequently and sleep in short bouts.
Mothers who were highly anxious during pregnancy tend to have more irritable and difficult babies. It's also well known that male babies are more vulnerable to stress at the time of birth than female babies, and at least one American study has shown that boys are more irritable at the age of three weeks than girls.
New Babycare
Copyright © 2009 Dorling Kindersley
Text copyright © 2009 Miriam Stoppard
Posted 03.11.2010
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